


Why Is My Heart Marooned Without You?

by verob2002



Series: Thoughts Beyond Our Horizon [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Excess use of quotes from all three Star Trek reboot films, F/M, M/M, Pining, SPOILERS FOR STAR TREK BEYOND, Verb tenses are my enemy, unbetaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-08 20:04:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7771321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verob2002/pseuds/verob2002
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock's thoughts and decisions post-Star Trek Beyond.</p><p>This is a companion piece to a previous story featuring Kirk's thoughts during Star Trek Beyond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Is My Heart Marooned Without You?

**Author's Note:**

> This story is named after a song of the same name featured on the obscure, but loved film Joe Versus The Volcano.
> 
> This is my second fic in a long time and completely unbeta'ed so all the mistakes are mine. Please feel free to point out any glaring ones or not so glaring ones. Concrit is welcomed and feedback appreciated.

‘What would I do without you Spock?’

Those words echo through his mind as he walks back to his hotel under an artificial night sky. His path illuminated by millions of twinkling lights emanating from street lamps, offices and homes. His thoughts turn back to the events of the last three days.

He remembers pulling him into the alien spacecraft, breathing heavily, his injury flaring with pain, but an overwhelming sense of joy permeating his being that he had been there to pull him to safety.

Spock sighs, clasping his hands behind his back. 

He examines the events that had begun 3.2 days prior. A rescue mission into an uncharted Nebula. The events set into motion by a fraudulent plea for help. The mission plays out in his thoughts linearly, then, he separates and dissects each mission component. He reviews individual contributions from the Enterprise’s crew, their ally, Jaylah, and fortunate happenstance. Afterward, he reintegrates and reexamines the mission from start to successful resolution. 

Despite the loss of life, the loss of the Enterprise and substantial damage to the starbase, this mission has been categorically marked as a success by Starfleet.

In her report, Commodore Paris wrote, “Krall, formerly Captain Balthazar M. Edison, used his knowledge of esoteric, advanced weaponry, tactical knowledge of Starfleet communications and defenses, and a hive-mind controlled drone army under his control to launch an attack, not only on a Federation starbase, but on Starfleet herself. The same alien technology that extended his life to an unnaturally long length had also appeared to have driven him insane. Thus, fueling his irrational belief that Starfleet had abandoned him and his crew. It is my belief that Krall’s attack on Starfleet was inevitable and his vendetta would have led to catastrophic levels, the likes we have not seen since Nero, were it not for the resourcefulness, tenacity, and courageous action of the Enterprise’s crew. I recommend a special commendation to each of the Enterprise’s crew, both active and posthumously, and a special commendation to Captain Kirk who ultimately prevented Krall from releasing the biological weapon into Starbase Yorktown’s atmosphere.” 

Spock agrees with Commodore Paris’s assessment and the commendable actions of the Enterprise’s crew.

However, a nagging sense of wrongness pervades Spock’s mind. This is his attempt to tease the loose strands free from the tangled web, and determine what has left him so unsettled. 

A brief moment stays with him. It, more than logic, statistics or reason, has ultimately compelled him to stay in Starfleet. 

‘What would I do without you Spock?’

For for the second time in 3.3 years, the Captain died/was on the verge of dying to save others. Like Schrodinger's cat, alive and dead simultaneously if not for the efforts of others to save him from his own heroism and pull him firmly into the alive column.

The first time had been to save all those aboard the Enterprise.

This time it was to save every living being aboard the Starbase Yorktown. 

‘The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.’ 

Never was there a more appropriate saying to describe the actions of Captain James Kirk.

His actions were logical… commendable… beyond reproach, but they left Spock feeling deeply unsettled.

For the 46th time in 0.7 days, Spock’s mind engages in a pointless, wholly unauthorized and unsatisfying mental exercise. His mind attempts to determine at what point the saving of hundreds, thousands… ten of thousands of lives would be worth the loss of… one person…. one person in particular.

In this most recent conflict with a formidable and extremely dangerous adversary, Captain Kirk had been willing to sacrifice himself… the one… for the needs of the many… millions.

‘The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.’ 

On the planet Nibiru, Spock had accepted that his death could not be prevented without violating the Prime Directive. He believed the natural progression of a civilization in its infancy was of greater importance than his life and had insisted Kirk accept this conclusion as well. But, Kirk had refused and had done everything within his power to rescue Spock.

Even in full view of the natives, transporting Spock on to the Enterprise with mechanical, visual and geothermal interference from the volcanic plume had reduced his chances of survival to 3,486,646,340 to 1. Kirk had attempted it anyway. He had violated the Prime Directive and returned for Spock. Kirk had risked his career... the Enterprise… because he was Spock’s friend.

‘Do you understand why I went back for you?’

Kirk’s actions had been utterly incomprehensible to him. 

When their roles had been reversed and Kirk was the one who lay dying before him, Spock could not begin to grasp the overwhelming grief that had beset him. He had only begun to understand the depth of their friendship and what it meant to him before it was abruptly being taken away from him.

In his lifetime, Spock had never experienced a friendship like this.

Ambassador Spock had once told him that he did not want to deprive him of a friendship that would define them both. 

In the moment of Jim’s death, Spock knew that, like the loss of the planet Vulcan, the loss of James Kirk would irrevocably leave him altered.

Never would he have believed a friendship could feel so vital to his optimal well-being.

‘I don’t believe in no win scenarios.’

Spock remembers first laying eyes upon him during the Kobayashi Maru test. His arrogance. His cavalier attitude instructing his classmate to fire one torpedo per Klingon warbird to save ammunition.

Spock remembers confronting him on the day Vulcan was destroyed. He remembers confirming his initial assessment of the young cadet. Glory seeking, arrogant, manipulative, insouciant… striking... Cruel.

With the destruction of Vulcan and the looming threat to other Federation planets, Spock was not aware he had been emotionally compromised.

Cadet Kirk’s vicious words had cut through him. Pierced directly where his mental shields had always been weakest. Especially on this day. His mother.

His response to Cadet Kirk’s words was categorically feral. Despite years of being targeted by his contemporaries on Vulcan, the altercation on the bridge, the fury he had felt directed at Cadet Kirk, it was something he had never experienced toward another living being.

The fury had not been matched until the day Khan’s actions resulted in Captain Kirk’s death.

After Spock had relinquished command to Captain Kirk, the selfish, egotistical and cruel persona had disappeared. Instead, stood a man, unquestionably, born to lead others.

Captain Kirk had listened thoughtfully to the ideas of cadets and senior members alike, utilizing their skills and strengths, to concoct a daring and clever plan to defeat Nero. 

Although Starfleet regulation strongly discouraged Starfleet captains from joining away missions, Spock could not say he was surprised that Kirk, Acting Captain of the Enterprise, had refused to let Spock go aboard the Narrada alone.

‘See? We are getting to know each other.’

They had worked seamlessly despite their earlier contention. Despite nearly choking Cadet Kirk on the bridge, Captain Kirk saved had Spock, and together they had saved Earth and the Enterprise.

‘We make a good team. Don’t we?’ 

Even when they were in disagreement, Kirk had not been ashamed to let Spock witness his grief ….had physically leaned on Spock the day Admiral Pike had died. 

When they had argued regarding John Harrison’s fate, Kirk had put aside his need for revenge and listened to Spock. Instead, Kirk had announced his intention to capture Harrison and return him to Earth to face judgement for his crimes. To seek justice for Admiral Pike.

They had argued frequently following the events of Nibiru, but Spock was still bewildered by how they still looked to each other for counsel, and continued to confide and trust one another with their doubts and fears.

Aboard Mud’s ship, Spock could not help but question whether he would have shared his feelings with Nyota had they been alone. As much as he respects her, he does not know if he would have opened up to her about the destruction of Vulcan and the deaths of millions he had experienced had Kirk not been there to listen.

In turn, Spock had listened to Kirk doubt himself, doubt his ability to lead and argue that the Enterprise did not need someone like him in charge. 

‘We make a good team. Well, I think so anyway.’

Cumulatively, their actions had exposed Admiral Marcus’s attempts to militarize Starfleet and extort a highly dangerous war criminal to assist his efforts to start a war with the Klingon Empire. They had also brought an end to Khan’s vengeful and destructive crusade against Starfleet. 

It is logical to assume that the events of the Narrada and Khan were irregular, emotionally devastating, but ultimately rare, high threat level events. 

This would be an incorrect assumption. Since the Captain assumed command of the Enterprise…. No correction, since Cadet Kirk was brought up on charges for cheating on the Kobayashi Maru and then stowed away on to the Enterprise, Captain Kirk’s command has been anything, but conventional. 

Since the commencement of their Five Year Mission, the Enterprise has intervened in seven DC-10 scale Annihilation level planetary events, thwarted four assassinations attempts of two diplomats, one monarch, and one planet’s arboreal sentient ‘Goddess.’ They have brokered peace agreements between three civilizations that had engaged in civil conflict lasting an average of 83 standard years, and on three separate occasions encountered three nearly immortal, omnipotent, and omniscient species. Each had greeted them warmly, but had told them, in no uncertain terms, that they wanted no part in the Federation. 

The last 0.9 years of the mission had become, more or less, conventional… dare Spock say, routine. However, there still remained 2.98 years left of their Five Year Mission. 

Like his unconventional command, Captain Kirk was a study in contradiction. Spock had spent more time than he would like to disclose attempting to understand the impossible man. His style of command, like his personality, straddled an intriguing dichotomy… his reckless protectiveness, his calculated impulsiveness, his academic instinct, a playful seriousness, sometimes genius level foolishness…. 

Before and during the events of Nibiru, the Captain had on occasion displayed traits that could be described as self-serving, arrogant and reckless, but no one could deny how effective a leader he was. He was a cunning strategists, impressive leader, but most of all, enjoyed the total faith and loyalty of his entire crew.

While a majority of the crew were as new to their posts as their captain, his fierce belief in the skill and competency of his crew was only matched their motivation to prove his faith in them was well deserved.

Despite the loss of life for the crew of the Enterprise and the betrayal of Admiral Marcus, crew morale following the events with the fugitive Khan had reached 94 percent. A new Starfleet record. 

This was not surprising, considering, that the crew had seen or heard the Captain plea with Admiral Marcus, with Khan, to spare his ship and crew. They had grieved his death in warp core chamber saving the Enterprise. 

And, they had been understandably jubilant to learn they had not lost their trusted and capable leader. 

‘You were bearly dead.’

Even though his death was an unusual occurrence, unfortunately, his capture was not. 

Since being given command of the Enterprise, the Captain had been captured 9 times. He had willingly exchanged himself for his ship and/or his crew 12 times. On 18.1 of those occasions, Spock had been there to directly or assist others in retrieving the Captain from his captures. In the other 2.9, Spock had been unconscious. 

‘What would I do without you Spock.’

In rare moments Spock acknowledges their friendship and his affection for Jim, he hopes the advantage of Jim’s death and revival from Khan’s blood is that it will make Jim's death much more difficult to repeat.

With each challenge the crew had met and overcome since the Narrada, morale had steadily risen. By his calculations, morale was 11 percent greater on the Enterprise than on any other constitution starship in the fleet.

Forty-seven percent of this increase could be directly attributed to the faith and unswerving loyalty the crew had for their Captain.

Spock enters the hotel lobby, walking passed the concierge, into the elevator, and pushes the button to his floor. 

Spock looks out the glass window seeing his own reflection… standing alone.

He and Nyota… Uhura had discussed their relationship that night in the Starfleet lounge.

In a secluded corner, they had watched the crew ‘loosen up’ and enjoy the festivities. As the ‘birthday boy’, he observed crew members present the Captain with increasingly, complicated and bizarre mixed alcoholic beverages named after sex acts or of an erotic nature. He witnessed the Captain consume no less than 13.8 drinks for his birthday celebration. Spock would have attempted to intervene had he not seen McCoy monitoring the Captain with his tricorder and injecting him with three hyposprays much to Kirk’s dismay. 

Jaylah had taken great delight in drinking Lieutenant Scott ‘under the table’ after consuming her sixteenth Rygelian whisky. While Lieutenant Scott was indeed slouching incrementally further beneath his seat after each whiskey was consumed. He, too, had been hyposprayed by the irascible doctor.

Uhura and Spock shared a quiet smile when they had overheard McCoy announce that he was surrounded by infants.

After most of the crew returned to their domiciles, the last remaining partygoers had either been corralled by McCoy into a sleepy pile of inebriates or slow dancing with no care for technique or coordination on the dance floor. 

He and Uhura had spoken of their respect, care and admiration for one another. They had agreed that their intimate relationship had run its course, and that they would continue as respected colleagues and friends only when they returned to the Enterprise. 

After the revelation Kirk’s friendship had been, Spock was reluctant to lose the friends he had continued to make aboard the Enterprise and had become determined to ‘work’ at maintaining them.

Three days prior, Spock had the utmost faith and respect in the ability of the crew to overcome whatever challenges lay ahead and to keep their Captain safe. 

Before their encounter with Krall, Spock had been content… resigned… to leave the Enterprise. 

In the face on his race’s extinction, logic dictated that he should return to New Vulcan and help rebuild. Now that Ambassador Spock had died, Spock no longer had the luxury of being in two places at once.

Spock had decided to put aside his desire to explore the mysteries of deep space that had first compelled him to apply to Starfleet. While professionally and intellectually rewarding, it had begun to feel like the selfish inclinations of an overindulged child.

‘Do yourself a favor. Do what feels right.’

Spock’s affection for Uhura had not been enough inducement for him to stay. Had they not already separated, it might have been yet another telling indicator that he and Uhura were not romantically suited for one another to form a more permanent attachment.

His strongest reservation for leaving the Enterprise had been leaving the Captain and the team they had created. They were different… opposites. Together, they seemingly balanced one another to form something greater than their sum.

Together, they led a command crew of some the brightest minds and skillful beings he has ever encountered. 

On this mission, their crew had escaped a planet on a century old starship not made to escape a planet’s gravity. They had arrived in time to defend the starbase and destroy an advanced and formidable drone army. Kirk had reached Krall in time to safety jettison the device into space and save the inhabitants of Yorktown. Spock had been there in time to pull Kirk to safety and rescue him from sharing the same fate as Krall.

‘What would I do without you Spock.’

He kept running statistics through his mind. 

Perhaps the last 0.9 months had clouded Spock's memory of the years preceding them. It had made him complacent to the dangers that were out there in the universe.

On a mission of this nature, where they actively seek out new life forms and new civilization, there is always a 68.9 percent chance that the Enterprise would encounter violent alien races and hostile environments. Encounters with persons like Krall. 

Said encounters did not decrease the probability of meeting other hostile lifeforms. The probability remained constant with a 68.9 percent chance that the Enterprise would encounter other beings like Krall's during the time remaining of their Five Year Mission. 

Kirk survived the crash of the Enterprise, planned and executed a daring rescue mission and saved the Starbase of Yorktown.

But it was Spock who had grabbed his hand and pulled him to the safety of the drone ship. 

‘What would I do without you Spock?’

Spock hears the elevator indicate his arrival to his floor, the turns and walks to his hotel room. He unlocks the door, closes it, and locks it. He turns, walks to the hotel window and looks out on to the city. 

Chance of encountering danger on this mission was a foregone conclusion. But Spock realized he did not want to be halfway across the universe when James Kirk encountered them. He wanted to be standing there beside him, facing it together.

After Kirk had been rescued from this near death, Spock had been teasing a small, insignificant moment he had forgotten.

Spock had spoken often with Ambassador Spock before his death. On several instances, the Elder Spock had offered counsel without giving away specific details concerning their missions. This had helped smooth out some political mine fields and potentially fatal encounters, especially within the last year. However, on the few occasions they had met in person, Spock had noticed psychic bleed through his mental shields. This allowed for Spock to vaguely sense and distinguish strong emotions from his older counterpart. 

During a Federation diplomatic conference hosted in honor of New Vulcan’s official acceptance into the Federation, it had been the first time since the Narrada that both Spock and Kirk were both in the same room with the Elder Spock. Spock could feel the Elder Spock’s being suffuse with joy ….joy at seeing Captain Kirk… “Jim!” a voice in his head cried out. After the initial shock of recognition, he felt the older Spock’s confusion and joy give way to feelings of foolishness and a dull, but deep, cavernous, painful ache.

The well of hollowness pierced through the younger Spock surrounded by a low, level hum of anguish.

None of these emotions were visible on Ambassador Spock’s face or in his demeanor as he greeted them both. 

Nevertheless, Kirk asked him if he was alright, looking for signs of injury. Spock felt the void abate infinitesimally at Jim’s attention.

Without conscious thought, Spock focused Kirk’s attention back on himself with a small touch to the small of Kirk’s back and pointed with his other hand to the Great Hall, “Captain, I believe they are about to begin. Shall we proceed?”

Spock felt the other Spock… grin in mind. But again, felt an intense sadness reverberate against his shields.

The men had proceeded into the conference hall and conversed as old friends, but the encounter had stayed with Spock. 

After Kirk’s resurrection, Spock had remembered the Elder Spock’s grief and his own fresh anguish at losing his own Kirk. 

And for a brief moment in time, Spock’s logic had led to one conclusion, he let himself accept an ultimate truth to his existence. There was no world or universe Spock wanted to live in where Jim Kirk did not exist also.


End file.
